How I Became Best Friends with Brett Favre

If you're unaware, former Green Bay Packers quarterback and noted great guy Brett Favre was in the news recently. Of course, a good samaritan like Favre was in the news for all the right reasons; he paid for new volleyball courts at his alma mater, the University of Southern Mississippi. A very noble deed by the former NFL superstar and hall of famer. If I were a former NFL quarterback who had a lucrative career and many endorsements, I too would give back to my alma mater using my own money, which I earned through hard work and my God-given talent, if you believe in that type of thing.

Favre's donation was upwards of a million dollars, but that's nothing for a guy who earned over $100 million in his NFL career on contracts, let alone his Wrangler ad campaigns. It's also safe to say that Favre is a smart guy, who would never squander his money; he did earn a teaching degree from the very prestigious Southern Mississippi after all.

Why is all of this important? How did I become friends with the NFL legend? I did it through good old-fashioned ass-kissing and my naturally charismatic personality. Favre, as an elite athlete, uses an app called "Strava". It's basically social media for exercise. You do an activity, and it gets shared with all of your followers, showing stats such as distance, speed, and heart rate. I, also an elite athlete (2018 D3 Frisbee National Champion and future marathon runner), use Strava as well. For the longest time, I tried to make friends with the home run king, Barry Bonds (see below).

Favre uses the app to share his bike rides through the Mississippi country with his many followers, myself included. I never thought to comment on Favre's activities. Given that he threw a career 336 interceptions, I knew that reading a defense was not his strong suit. He also sustained many blows to the head, weakening his mental capabilities. That is to say, I did not think Brett Favre could read.

This afternoon though, I got back from a nine-mile run at a low seven-minute mile pace, and I noticed Brett had gone for a bike ride. 27.4 miles with over a thousand feet of elevation gain. Impressive, to say the least. As an athlete and selfless member of his community, he reminded me of myself. A very worthy friend. I decided since Barry Bonds would never respond to my countless comments, I would compliment Favre on his generous donation.

A simple comment. I don't know the geography of Mississippi nor the location of its institutions, but I assumed he still lives in the community he's looking to better by paying for better facilities. Unfortunately, Favre took this as an insult.

Off to a rocky start with my soon-to-be friend. My first thought was that he no longer lived near campus, so he obviously wasn't checking out the new courts, but a quick google search showed me he did live in the area, so that couldn't be the cause for his anger. I also confirmed my suspicion that he wasn't the strongest reader. He implored me to exercise, but I had clearly already done so earlier in the day. Over nine miles at a low seven-minute pace, Brett. Perhaps he was disappointed by my lack of elevation gain.

As someone who's well versed in social relationship building, I know that the best way to become friends with someone is to research them thoroughly and change my own personality to fit their friendship needs. Unfortunately, in my research, I found something terrible. The money Favre used for the courts was actually stolen from the Mississippi government and was going to be used for welfare programs. I couldn't believe it, as Favre had made millions in his NFL career and by wearing Wrangler jeans in commercials. It had to be a mistake. Why would he be stealing money from the government, and how did someone so smart get caught?

As it turns out, Favre texted the former governor of Mississippi and asked if it could be traced back to him. He obviously wanted the donation to be anonymous, as he's already well-liked by all and doesn't need the additional press. Unfortunately, this made it seem as if he was guilty and that he had something to hide. I'm sure if he knew this was part of a criminal operation, he wouldn't have tried to ensure it couldn't be tied to him. Of course, as the upstanding citizen that I am, I knew I had to give my future friend some advice.

In hindsight, I could have worded this better. It may have come off as more of an insult than constructive criticism. I was really trying to tell him that for future anonymous donations, he shouldn't put his name on them. As an accountant, it's probably something I could help out with. Maybe that can be a fun thing we bond over.

Soon after my comment, Brett blocked me on Strava. I know it's because he wants to keep improving his bike rides and surprise me with how fast he gets. I'm sure he'll unblock me soon, or even give me his number so we can chat outside of his Strava comments.